The enemy inside me

An enemy lives inside me. At least I think he’s the enemy.

He thwarts my ambition. He leads me into temptation. He criticizes my efforts, but then quickly salves my ego, telling me everything’s all right. Not everyone is meant to create, to participate. The world needs readers and observers, an audience for the actors.

That’s what the enemy says. At least I think he’s the enemy. spy_vs_spy

Maybe that guy’s the champion of my true nature, and the enemy is the one occasionally shaking me from my slumber. The enemy grabs my lapels and shakes me out of sweet complacency. Don’t smoke so much, he says. Cut out the sweets and crap food for just one month and see how you feel. Get your ass in the chair and write, numskull!

I’ve written it down for you, he says. Just give it 15 minutes a day, for crying out loud! Remember what I said a couple years ago about an overarching resolution for the new year? What the hell happened? I had such high hopes for you!

One thing is clear: The prospect of peace at my internal borders is grim.

 

The nearest exit might be behind you

I’m not going to lie. I’ve drowned my talent in a sea of whiskey. I’ve set fire to my ambition and watched it float away in sprials and clouds of cigar smoke.

That’s the truth. Not all of it, but enough of it.

Unlike a visit from an old friend, or a long, lost cousin, my relationship to the blank page is like the final month of an affair. There might have been something there, once. But now we have nothing to say to one another. Just holding on in a tension-filled silence.

Every day I immerse myself in someone else’s genius is a day I’m losing touch with whatever passes for my own.

I need to find a way out.

On airplanes, stewardesses pantomime the means of egress. Years ago, they actually talked you through the emergency procedures, though now those life-saving instructions are transmitted in too-easy-to-ignore videos.

“Be aware the nearest exit might be behind you.”

We’ll see.

There was a time in my life when I was always on a bicycle, breathing the restorative air of open ocean. All my writing, what little of it there was, was all my own. Now it belongs to someone else.

That’s not a complaint. I’m paid well for what I do. I enjoy a sumptuous complement of health-care benefits I fear I will need more and more. I have a comfortable office I still haven’t hung anything in (including myself), even after a year.

My way out is behind me. While I still have time. I need to get back to that place, philosophically, where I saw nothing but the years ahead.

Not that those days were perfect. I wasn’t with the person I would be with the rest of my life. I had a shortage of money and an abundance of unpaid bills. I didn’t always think I had a future, but I did.

That future is now. At times, I live the life I always dreamed of. At other times, I’m merely a cautionary tale. To myself, anyway.

The key is to look back, find the ingredients that worked, and avoid the sins of the past.

And the sins of the future. Man. There are so many.

But there’s also faith, hope and love. And, as someone once said, the most important of these is love.

Time to show some love to myself. While there’s still time.

How not to pray

Don’t pray for wealth, pray for industriousness.

Don’t pray for success, pray for the flexibility to exploit any outcome. pray1 Button

Don’t pray for others to change, pray for increased tolerance and charity.

Don’t pray for comfort and joy, pray for wisdom and reslience.

Don’t pray for favor, pray for forbearance.

Don’t pray for health, pray for the knowledge and persistence to achieve it.

Don’t pray for glory and honors, pray for humility and helpfulness.

Don’t pray for the right person, pray to become the right person.

Don’t pray for blessings, pray to be a blessing to others.

Dig these wholesome Vegas attractions before it’s too late!

You’re in Las Vegas. What’s there to do in this town? What isn’t there to do, right?

Well, if you’re not much of a gambler, don’t like to stay up late and could do without some of the hubbub that makes Vegas an enchanting destination for millions of tourists every year, vegas.signhere are a few things to check out. None of them costs a lot of money, and none will get you in trouble with your baby, if you’re traveling solo.

Party animals
For two sawbucks, check out Sigfried & Roy’s Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat. Not only can you witness majestic beasts (who, I concede, are enclosed) this zone offers a tranquil oasis from the hullabaloo of the Vegas Strip. Hard to believe, since it’s housed in the MGM Mirage, smack dab in the middle of the Strip. Miracle of sound-proofing, I guess.

This is really the only big cat game in town, as the MGM Grand closed its lion habitat. Too bad. It was free and impressive, even if those kings and queens of the Plexiglas jungle tended to be older and woozier than their cousins at the Mirage. That’s the thing about Vegas: You hear about something interesting, see it now, since things tend to disappear like Teller during Penn & Teller’s not-to-be-missed act at the Rio.

And speaking of things disappearing, the swell Shark Reef Aquarium at Mandalay Bay ($18 for adults) used to have the only hammerhead shark in captivity in North America, but no more. Still, as I said before, this aquarium is swell and yet another respite from the frenetic pace of the Strip.

Full tilt boogie
For a wholesome pastime, but with the frisson of delinquency, you can’t beat pinball. And for pinball, except for the golden memories of misspent youth, you can’t beat the Pinball Hall of Fame, just off the Strip at 1610 E. Tropicana, and it’s free.

At least I doubt you can. I haven’t actually been there, yet, myself. Let me know if it lives up to the hype I’ve dreamed up. If it’s still open.

Learn something, why don’t ya?
If you’ve got a car or a bit of cab fare, check out the pleasant and occasionally riveting Nevada State Museum, which is now closer to the Strip than when I visited it years ago (it was then in the surprisingly pastoral-for-Vegas Lorenzi Park).

It’s part of the Springs Preserve at 309 S. Valley View Blvd., and though its admission price of just under $20 seems a bit steep, this place will show you the history of old-school Vegas (including exhibitions about the mobsters who built the city) and really old-school Vegas (a study of geology, fossils and wildlife). There’s also nuke testing info, neon signs, old slot machines, video on the construction of the Hoover Dam — you name it. Anything you need to know about Vegas and the Silver State to bore your friends with at a cocktail party is contained in this museum. Don’t be put off by its crappy website: please believe me when I say this place has the goods.

What else is there?
Thrill rides aplenty, from a nifty roller-coaster at the New York, New York hotel and casino,  to a couple of rides at the Stratosphere.

But I’ve found the most thrilling ride of all, and one of the cheapest, is to just get behind the wheel and drive out to the desert to dispose of a body gaze at the stars, and then drive back into the city, seeing the Strip’s resemblance to strings of Christmas lights being tested on the living-room floor.

Know of any fun, cheap and vice-free Vegas attractions, lay ’em on me!

Woman of mystery

What did you say? I couldn’t hear you.

Still can’t. Not really.

Two years shy of two score beyond the reach of cut flowers and sweets.

Are flowers always in bloom where you are? Is everything sweet?

You can’t see me, or maybe you see everything. I see nothing.

For years I heard nothing but, little by little, more and more came back. But no words of comfort.

No new words, at all.

Still, ten years with you wasn’t nothing.

Another year, the mystery continues, until one day it won’t. I suppose.

Love always, just the same.

My favorite cities

You didn’t ask, but here are my top 10 favorite cities.

I’m leaving out Boston, Dover, N.H., and Portland, Maine, because I’ve called all of them home at some time in my life.

1. Chicago — I just returned from there, so it might benefit from the recency effect. Still, I have a feeling this one will stay with me like a lost first love. chicagoEye-popping architecture, a huge city yet replete with personal space, phenomenal museums and attractions. And it’s a beef and beer mecca.
2. Las Vegas — No better place to be an insomniac. A whole new city every five years.
3. Munich — Great food, friendly people (most of whom speak English exceptionally well) and medieval charm. Rumor has it they sell beer.
4. Paris — Springtime in Paris, right? I was there in 2007 during the elections. Few sites are more spectacular than the Eiffel Tower lit up in red, white and blue.
5. New York — So nice they named it twice. This town has everything, most especially good-looking people, except smiles.
6. New Orleans — Best food on earth … and I’ve eaten in Paris. Languid and fun, and you can drink in the street.
7. San Francisco — Postcard-level beauty, excitement and generally gorgeous weather in a marvelously historic burg.
8. Santa Fe — I defy you to find a bad meal in this place, whether at a five-star restaurant or a roadhouse. Surrounded by the glorious Sangre de Cristo Mountains.
9. Seattle — Can be gloomy (though the weather’s always been great when I’ve been there), with a slightly hardscrabble flavor. Yet the people are friendly without being cloying and the Jet City has lots of attractions, including the real rock-and-roll hall of fame, the Jimi Hendrix Experience Music Project.
10. Quebec — Old-world charm and a cozy vibe. Rain and snow are abundant but, taken with the mighty St. Lawrence River, the place seems like a dream.

 

Zero-minute abs

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ben grimm

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Lessons in humility

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I need winter.

Don’t get me wrong. I hate winter with a passion as white and hot as snow is white and cold. But I need the constant lesson in humility winter brings.

One lesson is obvious: our inability to control the elements, and our charge to make the best of bad situations by laying up supplies, amassing sufficient money to keep one’s dwelling sound and warm, and mustering the fortitude snow photo 2 for jharmto suck it up and get out there and face the challenge of snow- and ice-mitigation.

But today I received another, more profound, lesson in humility. It came from a neighbor with whom, frankly, we haven’t gotten along.

Things started off terribly between our households when the late Buddy, Prince of West Methuen, on a couple of occasions availed himself of our neighbor’s lawn, unbeknownst to us (at least until our neighbor unequivocally and vociferously alerted us to the canine crime). You can probably guess what Buddy’s contribution to the contretemps was.

I bought our neighbor a case of Budweiser, left it on his doorstep as a peace offering, and we put the hard feelings in the rear-view mirror. Thus began a prolonged detente, punctuated occasionally by guttural, halfhearted greetings. We eventually erected a fence to keep our dogs on our property, and good fences made at least half-way-decent neighbors for years.

Relations between our camps were still somewhat frosty, but things hit a nadir last winter when I accidentally shoveled snow onto one of his trees, spurring a shouting match. (Both of us are perhaps afflicted, at least occasionally, with Irish tempers.)

However, circumstances led to an exchange, months later, of apologies for losing our cool and we went back to largely ignoring one another. Until today.

Today, for some unexpected reason attributable only to the grace of the God of Surprises, our neighbor approached me with an offer to snowblow our small yet still (on a day like today) formidable driveway. I reluctantly accepted, though unhesitatingly offered to pay him, or at least reimburse him for the gasoline exhausted in the task. He refused my offer and an enterprise that would have added a couple hours to a gargantuan undertaking — it still took me a few hours to clear the walk, deck and roofs — took about 10 minutes.

I’ve done nothing to deserve my neighbor’s largesse, yet I received it anyway. There’s been a lot of that lately in my life, and it’s still a struggle to accept.

I remain truly humbled by the magnanimity of others. Blessings abound, even when they’re disguised by a foot of snow.